If you are offended by religion-related commentary, you may want to avoid this article.
Here are more of those amazing Wisdom Tree games!
King of Kings was released in 1991 (probably along with a bunch of other nonsensical biblical games), and is one of those games that once you get started, you just have to stop. If you look at the box art to the left, you'll see that the game is supposed to look exciting. You might think that you must ride your wild untameable camel through the hot desert in search of the lost treasure of the fabled Incan warriors. This is followed by the quick but painful let-down that you're just ride your damned ol' walnut-brained camel across a dull Arabian set that was borrowed from a campy 50's surfer movie with James Dean. After you toss this out the window, you still won't feel like a rebel without a cause though. Anyway, I feel tired. Here's a run-down of the three mini-games that have arisen in the King of Kings. Oh, but first, a quote from the manual:
Do you know the King of Kings?
You were not a wise man if you bought the game in the first place. Well, the copy of the manual I found indicated nothing of this sub-quest, so I'll have to wing it this time. This is the game where you ride the camel. You are a wise man dressed in green. Ride your camel until you find a suitable treasure to donate to the United Manger Foundation, but watch for perils in your way. I don't think it really matters what the point is, as nobody will really play far enough through the game to find out what happens anyway. At least the camel tucks in its legs when it jumps. That's a good thing, right? RIGHT?
Guess what you get to be in here! No, not Moses. No, not Job. No, not even any strange reference only Ned Flanders could concoct! It's a donkey! If it's a burrow, we'll call him Milton (I'd like to thank the writers of Full House for devising that joke). You must carry Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus across Egypt. Why? To get to the other side, you crazy nut! Milton Burrow must face troubles and hardships in grassy knolls, icy slippery tundra-infested barrenlands (in Egypt still), and on mountain trails. In fact, enemies such as rabbis will attack you! Be careful, as one slip-up could send you straight to the glue factory.
A character being both a child and an adult in the same game?! Where have I heard of that before... Anyway, I have bad news. During the feast at Passover, we find out that Jesus is missing! That can't be good, can it? Play as Mary and Joseph in order to find their son and bring him back to the feast. We hope Joseph doesn't give him a paddling for his tomboyish nature. The manual claims there are "eight levels of action", but nobody has seemed to get through all eight levels. Nobody has gotten through ONE level. Poor Jesus; he may never be found. Just kidding. We wouldn't have "A.D." without him.
Y'know what? I think the screenshots really speak for themselves. But don't take MY word for it -- let's ask the local manual!
MANUAL: Experience "Spiritual Warfare" as you discover firsthand the whole armor
of God in preparation to meet the enemies of the Lord. You will also see just how the fruit of the Spirit can impact the lives of others and ultimately win an entire city to God. The shield of faith will be your most important weapon in helping you to remain steadfast. But remember
that the battle is not yours alone, it is the Lord's. "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the
breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
Yeah, I know I'm really lazy. But I'm afraid I just can't type up a whole bunch of junk on every one of these games and still maintain my sanity. I think it was the first game that puréed my brain into the flavorless mush Jebediah Springfield calls 'rootmarm' today. I will say, however, that this game is a good contender against 'Exodus', the game I've been hailing as the best Wisdom Tree game that I covered so far. But now, you can try either of them. You'll still be disappointed, but at least you tried something new. That's the important part. Right, kids? Yep. That's right. ...what's this? There's still room left? Aw. Well, OK. The quarrel I find is that fact that your first weapon is a pear. Couldn't they use the Axe of Genesis or something cool like that? Speaking of Genesis, below is a screenshot from the Genesis version. Enjoy.
|
